A couple of weeks ago, we observed Intersex Awareness Day (October 26, 2023). Now we’re observing Transgender Awareness Week (November 13-19, 2023).
Hello! My name is Bobbi and I am an Orthodox Christian. However, you should know that there is more to me than this. I was born with an intersex condition, and I am a transgender woman.
My earliest memories are of a surgery at approximately age 2. I don’t remember much except that there was a veritable parade of physicians in white lab coats checking on me: fondling my genitals. I have scars on my genitals that suggest that I was born with an undescended testicle and hypospadias. There is yet one more deficiency in sexual development (DSD) which they were not able to “correct”: I have the medical definition of a micro-penis. Because of this early surgery I always knew that I was different. I endured a total of three surgeries on my lower abdomen before age 10. I’ll never know if the latter ones were to provide further “corrections” to my anatomy.
At age 12, I became familiar with the concept of being transexual. I immediately identified as such. This was in 1975. I have suffered with gender dysphoria ever since. Because of the shame of being transexual in the 1970s, I couldn’t dare address this part of my identity. This was a secret I suppressed for many decades. I didn’t begin puberty until just before age 15. Yes, I had a delayed puberty. But when it came, it came with a vengeance. I’ll explain later. Because of my late puberty and the DSDs that I was born with, I was the target of much bullying during my adolescence. When I graduated from high school in 1981, I couldn’t get away fast enough.
So, shortly after graduation at age 18, I enlisted in the US Army. I was told that it would “make a man out of me.” I did everything I could to prove my manhood in the decades to follow; in many ways I overcompensated. I eventually retired from the Army after 21 years of service and two combat tours. But I always knew that I was hiding from myself and living a lie.
I was raised a Protestant Christian. Over the years, I managed to engage with several of the Protestant denominations. I was a terrible example of a Christian, though. I never had peace. I never could produce the “fruit of the Spirit” as defined Galatians 5. I was miserable, and I made everyone around me miserable. I was judgmental, self-centered, and very discontented. I had difficulty holding a job. In my wake I left many damaged relationships.
One thing I did do, however, was to develop the habit of Bible reading. Over the years, I have read the Protestant Bible,in its entirety more than 25 times. Every time I read Leviticus 13, I recognized that I was “unclean.” You see, I suffered acne from the time of puberty. It was more than just acne. The pustules were quite severe, resulting in open sores much of the time. I have scars all over my body that attest to this.
When puberty finally did come at the age of 15, a carbuncle erupted on the end of my nose. The scar from this carbuncle stares at me every time I look in the mirror. Over the decades, I suffered many such carbuncles on my face. They often took many months to heal and caused me much shame and embarrassment. The scars on my face testify to this.
In 2021, my wife of 39 years and I became catechumens in the Orthodox Church. You see, we had come to the conclusion that much of what passes for Christianity in America today simply isn’t Christian. This is mostly because of the antinomianism that has infested much of American Christianity. Yet, I couldn’t find any fault in the dogma and doctrines of the Orthodox Church. We were baptized and chrismated just before Pasha 2022.
During this period of catechism, I was experiencing extreme stress for various reasons. Shortly after baptism, I sought help and was formally diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Shortly after this acknowledgement, my ability to judge others was miraculously excised and I was blessed with the gift of empathy for others. Since then, I simply do not have the capacity to judge others. I also began to produce the “fruit of the Spirit”: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
During this period, I submitted to a battery of blood tests. One of the things that we discovered was a severe hormone imbalance that I had suffered since puberty. Despite the “corrective” surgery that I had as a tot, which was supposed to make me a “normal” boy, the hormone imbalance was never addressed. My body was producing massive amounts of testosterone and then converting it into estradiol. As a 59-year-old male, I had more testosterone than most 20-year olds. I had more estradiol than most women; only the pregnant and the ovulating have more estradiol. As hard as it is to believe, my body actually “craves” estradiol. This imbalance explains the chronic acne that I suffered, along with many other issues.
These other issues include a nasty disposition. The years of bullying taught me to stand and fight. As I was unable to remain calm during stressful situations. I couldn’t control my anger or my raging sex drive. It is indeed God’s grace that kept me from prison. Most of my adult life was plagued with chronic masturbation (to alleviate the excess testosterone in my body), punctuated with outbursts of rage and anger. This was the hell that I had to endure.
My intersex condition has yet to be diagnosed. I have many symptoms of partial androgen insensitivity syndrome. For example, the pitch of my voice never dropped, and I was never able to build muscles. I have the daintiest arms you will ever see on a male assigned at birth. Genetic testing failed to provide any answers. The only other explanation is that I was likely exposed in the womb to exogenous estrogen. How could this be?
Diethylstilbesterol (DES) was routinely prescribed to women with “at-risk” pregnancies from 1940 to 1971, when it was banned in the United States. DES is a synthetic estrogen. My mother, who conceived me in 1962 at the age of 16, was likely deemed “at-risk” and was likely prescribed DES. The effects of DES on daughters have been studied extensively, but not so much on DES sons. Some recent studies, though, indicate that exogenous estrogens, like DES, may cause “idiopathic” androgen insensitivity syndrome on developing boys exposed in-utero. Perhaps this is what I have suffered. We may never know.
One thing that medical science does know is that imaging shows that the brain structure of transgender people more closely matches the structures of the gender that they identify with. By the way, these studies were conducted prior to the subjects starting [gender reassignment] hormone therapy. This is likely the source of gender dysphoria. Medical science understands that the genitalia of a fetus form during the first trimester, while the brain doesn’t form until the late second or third trimester. Being transgender is not a choice anyone would make, but rather, it is a medical condition.
I started feminizing hormone replacement therapy to address my gender dysphoria in December of 2022. Gender dysphoria has subsided. Also, the acne has cleared up. For the better part of 40 years, I had open sores from acne on my scalp, sometimes as many as a dozen sores at a given time. It caused me no shortage of shame and pain. In accordance with Leviticus 13, I was “unclean.” But since starting hormone therapy, the acne has cleared up. My scalp has healed. The shame and embarrassment are gone.
Other benefits include a calmer, better personality and an ability to think more clearly. I am no longer discontented and restless. I now experience peace. My bride of 39 years has remarked numerous times how much better I am and how much she now enjoys my company. She has even remarked that should I stop hormone therapy; she would leave me.
I have struggled to reconcile my identity as a transexual woman with my Orthodox Christian faith. I’ve heard many Orthodox Christians, to include clergy, remark that transgender people are “listening to demons.” Well, the demons didn’t leave the scars on my genitals or cause my hormone imbalance.
Sadly, there is a strain of fundamentalism that exists even within the Orthodox Church. Many will cite the Scriptures, specifically Genesis 1 and 2, that describe two genders: male and female. This is a fine example of the trouble caused by sola scriptura. But the Jewish Talmud and Mishnah, both of which are written collections of Jewish oral tradition, describe as many as eight genders. These ancient Rabbis had a better understanding of gender than many of our modern fundamentalist Christians. It is reasonable to assume that Christ and His Apostles had a similar understanding. Perhaps this is why the early Church Fathers are largely silent, with the possible exception of Saint Maximus the Confessor, on the issue of gender. It was settled.
To those that would judge me, I can only wish they might consider how they would live the life that I have been granted. How would they like to live with the issues that have plagued me? To live as “unclean” as defined in Leviticus? To lack self-control due to a hormone imbalance? To inhabit a body with the “wrong” chemistry? Would they seek medical help for a condition they were born with, for example a cleft lip? Who among you will throw the first stone?
I love Christ and I love His Church. You see, I am a great sinner in need of a great Savior! My spiritual life is now more vibrant than it ever was. My wife and I actively practice prayer, fasting, and giving. We have developed the habit of saying our prayers in the morning and evening every day. We observe the Church’s dietary restrictions with a vegan diet on fast days and a pescatarian diet when permitted. We give 10% of our income to our local parish and we give alms to the poor. When I encounter a panhandler on the street, I will look them in the eye and engage in conversation. Every time I encounter one of these souls, I am reminded that these individuals were created for eternal life in the image of the God of the universe. My wife and I attend Church regularly.
Am I a pedophile? No. I am a parent and grandparent. Am I a drag queen? No. I am not an entertainer or an exhibitionist. Do I want to “groom” your children? No. I have children and grandchildren. I did not choose to be born with this intersex condition. I did not choose to suffer gender dysphoria. The only choice I have made is to seek medical help for my maladies. Many times, I have prayed and asked “Why?” to no avail. It seems that the God who “doesn’t make mistakes” has a plan for my life. I can only wonder how this plan will unfold.
My body is changing, whether I like it or not. And sooner rather than later, I will need to have “the talk” with my priest. I hope to not be excommunicated, to be denied Communion— the Body and Blood of Christ. But some things are beyond my understanding or control. I can accept that. Nonetheless, I will continue to take comfort in the words of Saint Seraphim of Sarov quoting Saint Macarius of Egypt and Saint Gregory the Sinaite. He says:
Saint Macarius of Egypt says: “Though Satan might produce also visions of light, he is entirely unable to produce a blessed effect; which is the well-known sign of his works”…and thus, from these diverse workings of the heart, a man may know what is divine and what is diabolic, as Saint Gregory the Sinaite writes: “From the effect one may know whether the light showing in one’s soul is of God or of Satan.”
Having been delivered from my hell, my life is now free to produce something good.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Against such there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23
Roberta (Bobbi) Workman holds a bachelor’s and master’s degree in engineering and presently works as a consultant. She resides with her wife in the western United States. They have two adult children and three grandchildren together.
ORTHODOXY IN DIALOGUE 